M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
