He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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