lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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