Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
