I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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