Your dad touched me again.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
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The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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