My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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