he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
