woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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