what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
