when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
