how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
