chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
