you traded sex for a burrito?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
