Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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