i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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