well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
