he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
