she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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