Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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