Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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