Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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