he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
