you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
