I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
MIDGETS
????
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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