tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
