Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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