she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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