Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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