i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
