this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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