20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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