I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
