my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
