I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
