I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
