dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
