sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
