if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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