Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
