I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
