First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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