i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
