hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
