don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
