Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i now understand why vodka
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
