Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
