My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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