Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
