phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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