i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
