I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
