I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
