Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
