I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
