I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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