Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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