I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
