Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
