good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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