One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
