Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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